These last two weeks have been rough on me. Work has been insanely busy in preparation of the upcoming holidays and our lovely end of the year rush.  I’m also still feeling the loss of my dearest aunt.  It’s only been two weeks and I do know it takes time, it is just particularly difficult for me as I spoke with her daily and that makes her absence undeniable. One never really knows just how large a role a person plays in your life until that person is no with us. I will always carry her in my heart though and in that I must take solace.

I haven’t even really dealt with the loss, to be honest. I’ve been so numb and detached for the last couple of years and the pain sits along the happiness,  on the surface.  I was hurt too deeply, too often, by those closest to me and my mind disassociated.  My inner and outer self are separated by a barrier, I have as of yet been able to take down. It is my downfall and at the same time, my saving grace. It means I feel no love deep within,  yet I also do not feel pain.

It also makes it difficult to express the sorrow I do feel. Not only am I accustomed to being “the strong and tough one of the family” and will rather suffer silently and not worry them when they already dealing with their own problems, I also cannot expose myself in that way to them. Trusting the members with my heart is the main reason I am as I am. My aunt’s passing only weighted the luggage.

I haven’t even been able to place myself behind the lens though I will be making an effort to do so tomorrow when we go check out Urban Rebel, Wylde Fly and Saigon Kick. Perhaps time heals all wounds; however, the scar will always stay. For now I just breathe and take it one day at a time.  I enjoy the little joys I find and appreciate all that I do have. After all, I still have much to be thankful for.

The Self is hidden in the lotus of the heart. Those who see themselves in all the creatures go day by day into the world of Brahman hidden in the heart. Established in peace, they rise above body consciousness to the supreme light of the Self. Immortal, free from fear, this Self is Brahman, called the True. Beyond the mortal and the immortal, he binds both worlds together. Those who know this live day after day in heaven in this very life.

Chandogya Upanishad