I want to bare myself if ever so slightly now. I want to share a portion of what only those closest to me are privy to. If not to give hope, then to let it be known that for any feeling the same as I had, you are not alone. You see, with the joys in my life, I have also undergone a great deal of pain. From abusive relationships, a troubled family life, loss of loved ones, mentally unhealthy work environments, etc.

It has always seemed as if with every step forward I’ve taken, it’s been at least two or three in reverse. It was this constant back and forth that had finally taken its toll on me. With the last series of events beginning about three years ago and ending just before my aunt’s passing, I had grown tired and weary. I emotionally shut down and disconnected my inner self from the outside world. To put it simply, I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I couldn’t bare it. It wasn’t a conscious effort. It’s something that just happened from one day to the next. One moment I was uncontrollably sobbing, the next, practically numb except for some residual anger. Then, there was nothing. I did not feel alive, merely existent. I took no joy nor sadness from anything. Gradually, the anger dissipated, and I remained a shell. It was something that worried me endlessly, especially when I shared only but a few tears upon my dearest aunt’s passing.

My concern was that I would continue on this way. That I would not be able to find joy in anything. I didn’t even want to pick up my camera. It was an incredibly frightful notion that haunted me constantly. I was afraid that my break had left me damaged, not just broken. For the first time in my life, I felt despair. I started thinking how my being as I am would eventually push everyone away from me. I was in constant dread with the thought of how friends and family would eventually “get tired of my shit” so to speak. To be honest, I was afraid of losing everyone and the mere thought broke my heart. I’m good at being alone, fact is I really enjoy it sometimes, though what good is joy and love if you cannot share it. I didn’t know what to do anymore and so I did all I could. I got up every morning, went to work and tried as best as I could to do continue moving forward and do what was expected of me. Truth be told, I was weary and this effort was exhausting. I didn’t want to end it, it was never a suicide thing, however, I had become tired.

Then one day, several months back, something clicked. I was doing it all wrong. The universe doesn’t give you what you want, it gives you what you need. I realized all this struggle wasn’t a definitive end, it was a rebirth. I could not continue on my path as I was. While my inner self remains the same, I am changing, I am growing anew. I am already a different person than I was. This may or may not be acceptable to all those presently in my life. While I’ve come to accept that this means there will be more loss in my life, I know that it is necessary to burn it away. Life whittles away the little self via some painful awakenings. I never have nor ever will want to hurt anyone, though I need to be who and how I am.

“Here in this suffering, all previous beliefs are called into question. They are consumed in the fire sparked and fueled by our own illusion. The pain becomes the ashes we are now entombed in. It is only when we find ourselves at this most imprisoned of junctures that we emerge again, the phoenix of our very life which is ever so much more beautiful than the last one.”

– Teal

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am.